On December the 24’th, the Christmas eve, I felt very blessed...double blessed to be precise. Why so?
It was Christmas Eve and having to go to church on this special moment just always gives me comfort. Another thing about that day was that not only I had the chance to go to church, I get to listen to a special sermon led by one of the most special person in my life, my father. It was special, because he didn't just played Mariah Carey's (my favorite singer since I was a child) song, 'O Holy Night, he also shared about two things I was grown up to live with and taught about by him. Those things are: RECONCILIATION and PRAISING GOD for whatever happens in my life, for I live and serve HIM, not for my own glory. Broken relationships were meant to be mended not only as a formality in celebrating Christmas and to feel the temporary joy. 'Practicing peace' is probably the closest way to convey this. And the reason why 'reconciliation' was brought up in his sermon was because there is always a lot of sympathy, compassion and spirit on Christmas. It was nice to get people listening to this (of course, since they were full of spirit). But beyond that, he also wants people to remember what caused Jesus to come here willingly if it wasn't because of his perfect, unconditional love, what else could it be? Compared to what we, sinful, spoiled and unthankful people do, of course our love to our friends, family and people that are related with our lives means nothing. Our hearts are fragile, it gets hurt easily and hurts other's in contradiction even more likely (in some cases for the sake of protection from insecurity). Anyway, the thing about reconciliation just hits me right in the face. "I am the meanest person alive for some people I know, and I don't deserve there kindness". This is what appeared in my head right away after listening to him. "I hurt people, some who I wouldn't even dare to see get hurt". But that's a lie...I did it repeatedly, and every time I want to reconcile, something just always gets in the way..either the plans go wrong or my huge ego just knocked the hell out of me. I tried to change..and probably my efforts were still not good enough. Then, my cousins came to celebrate Christmas at home. Nothing felt better than that, I was surrounded by loveable people who loves each other more than anyone I've ever seen. Daughter to father love, sister to sister love, brother to sister love, cousin to cousin love, niece to aunts and uncles love and a peaceful bond of soul mate love. Then I took a look in the mirror, "why can't I show that kind of love to the ones I really care about? What is my problem?" Then I realized, there is no problem. Their love towards each other seemed free, easy, joyful and smooth, even though there are pretty much chaos here and there. Probably the only problem left is that I have an 'emotional issue' going on. I have too much fear, too much thinking, too much predicting and stuff. There for, rather than building a "bridge" to the person I do care -as much as I care for myself, I've built a "fortress" instead. I'm 21 and I'm supposed to be mature, mature enough to know what's good and what's bad, and what I should do or not and all that. But what does it matter? I can't turn back time...but I do wish that whatever I'll be doing in this New Year, it will be meaningful. Tearing down the fortress will definitely be the first step..and I hope this will please Him as well..All I know is when things are meant to be..it will be..
